Remembering

I get so caught up in my life sometimes. I think I do it on purpose, and at the same time, without thought. People deal with grief in various ways. I deal with it by trying to forget about it, by constantly distracting myself. 

Today, I decided to remember, if only for an hour or two. It's amazing how quickly one can dredge everything up again after effectively expunging it from the mind for months at a time. 

The last thing my dad wrote. This was three days before he passed. Oddly mundane, and yet, I am somewhat comforted by knowing he was thinking about us so close to his death, and not himself. His final words to my mom and I were, "Thank-you for taking care of me." 

I remembered the last few days before my dad died, when I felt - nearly more poignantly than anything else at the time - that my dad very much needed to know his own father was proud of him, was satisfied with him. I urged my grandpa to write him a letter telling him what he truly felt, because he'd always been so reserved. He never verbally expressed his pride in his son, or his love for him, and I know it had an impact on my dad. He never felt he was good enough, and so he was always trying to prove himself. Always. He worked himself to death in his efforts to prove he was worthwhile.

My grandpa did end up writing a letter, which I read to my dad shortly before he passed. It started out a bit rough, a bit rambling, but the end of it got to the heart of the matter, finally expressing - after so many years - the truth my dad so dearly needed to hear.

I'm sorry if you felt that I was never satisfied with you. I guess sometimes I was measuring you against what I imagined to be perfection. This was wrong, because no one is perfect - especially myself.

You've truly been an inspiration, as a son, as a student, athlete, worker, builder, employer, musician, church member, husband and father. I'm grateful for the many times and ways you helped me...

So I guess that all I can say as you (and the rest of us) face a very uncertain future, is that I love you very much and plan to enjoy you as long as I can. 

Love, Dad.

I guess if there's a lesson to be learned from all this (and I'll allow there isn't always, nor should there always be), it's that you shouldn't take it for granted that everyone knows your heart, or knows how much you love them. Be forthright. You can never tell someone you love them too many times.